Got a toothbrush?
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
