textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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