I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I seem to have left my pride at pride
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
