Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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