You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
then he tried to convert me to islam
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
