I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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