Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
