then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
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