i love accidental penises.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
