Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
