Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
