I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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