Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Randomize
