I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
