I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
