I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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