Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
