based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
