we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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