you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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