Just mADE A PArabola og urine
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
