I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
