My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Randomize
