Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
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