Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
You are a genius and a whore.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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