I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
