you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
