So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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