I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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