I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
