she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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