My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
A bitchslap is in order.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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