I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
