Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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