She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
