forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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