my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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