Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
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