I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
