Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
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