If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
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Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
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Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
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