She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
