I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
