I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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