He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
