All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
