The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
