You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
