I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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