I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
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I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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