I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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