I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
