Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Soap is not a condiment
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
