Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
