Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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