Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
