She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
