i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
