I have demons in me.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
