..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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