It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
