I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
